New Backpack and Life Lessons

The end result was a new purple Hannah Montana backpack. This was my desperate attempt at "making it all better" and I DO realize how materialistic my effort is. I know that life lesson opportunities, real advice, and a warm hug are all such better responses, but in the heat of the moment, my response was "let's go to Target!" So, here is the story. My AB decided that she wanted to take her big brother's Speed Racer backpack to school today. This was her solution to her own Camp Rock messenger bag being dragged along the sidewalk so often that it wore a hole in the bottom. She was so excited to come across the blue and black Speed Racer, thought it would be so cool to take. And it was, cool because it is cool (if you are 6 or 8 and love the movie and the cars!). But also cool because she is a "girly" girl but she is so confident that she feels good taking a "boy" backpack to school. You go girl! That is what I said. UNTIL, I pick her up from school and she comes running to me, lower lip out, chin trembling, eyes welling with tears, she is so desperately trying not to cry. But, even at my age to this very day, if I am really upset about something, the sound of my mom's voice brings the buckets of tears to the surface. That special "mommy effect" hit AB today. "They all made fun of me," she says. "Who?" I ask. "My friends" she says "they laughed and called it a "boy" backpack, they said it was Ben's not mine. They laughed and laughed and it really made me sad!" How does any mom not over react to their own child's sadness. Is there any mommy in the world that does not feel just a little sick to their stomachs when their baby is hurt? I know how many things I should have said, things like: you like that backpack, if they make fun of you then they are not your real friends. I had in my head many "comebacks" she could have used. I did end up saying all of these things, sharing all of the wisdom that I have to offer, but only after I hugged her tightly and promised I would take her right to Target to pick out any new backpack she wanted. (That will show those girls, right?). So, the backpack is a big hit, already full of pink pencils, lip gloss, and a few other Kindergarten girl necessities. The wisdom, the life lessons, the advice? Not such a hit; listened to, but not fully appreciated as I'd hoped! Still, I did my duty! I made my baby feel better, I bought her a new totally awesome girly backpack, and I told her what I thought of her friends and their comments. My hope? That she will always remember how her "friends" made her feel, that she will never make another little girl feel the way she felt, that some of the things I imparted to her will stick! I also hope that she won't always take things so personally, that she will stand up for herself and be confident despite criticism from others, that she will do what she likes regardless of peer pressure, that she will stand up for others, that she will always stay her amazing self! I'll keep my finger's crossed!

Please Appreciate Them

I wish I was sleeping, it is midnight and that is what I should be doing. But instead, I am crying my eyes out, quietly, so I don't wake anyone (but secretly wishing I actually would). All day long I have had this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. It is all in my head, my kids are fine, everything is fine, and quite obviously my husband does not feel the same way that I do, so go figure, I must be the insane one, everything is fine. Except it is not! I feel like my beautiful babies are not as loved and appreciated by certain people as they should be. This is a very generalized statement that really only has to do with a very few people. But we all know that making broad and generalized statements makes us feel better! So, what about tonight set me off? It was at a Kindergarten parent gathering tonight that I find out that my 6 year old baby, 5 at the time, was chosen to be the "special buddy" for a Pre-School classmate whose mother was recently diagnosed with cancer and who was himself diagnosed with "visual transference", I think that was it. Never heard of it before, but it does not matter what it was, the point is my AB was chosen by her teacher to be the special connection with this kid. And the crazy thing is, I did not know about this one, but I did know about another one the same year. So, that makes 2. My baby is so amazingly mature and empathetic, her teacher put her in the position of being an incredibly important support system for 2 of her peers. And the most amazing thing of all, she did it! She was successful in both situations, she helped these 2 other kids, she empathized with them, understood where they were, and was able to help them cope enough to get through the days. AMAZING!! Anyone who does not see that brilliance in her is missing out, I am sorry to say it may be people who are incredibly close, people who are so close minded that they can not see the beauty of what is in front of them, I feel sorry for them, I wish only that they could see what I see and appreciate her for who she is. This is what put me in this pitiful mind frame, being reminded (yet again) of how wonderful she is, yet wondering why she is criticized (ever!!).
And B, I don't even know where to start. He is not a stupid kid. He may seem to not notice things, but believe me, he notices. At night, kind of like me, when the day is done and no one is looking, he opens up. He shows true emotion, thought sometimes hard to read. What is seemingly a tearful goodnight or a rough end to the day is actually an emotional reaction to an event or a vivid reliving of a fearful thought. He notices, he gets it, if it is not right, it makes him sad. So, he has had a couple of these nights lately, and it just breaks my heart!

B

With B, life is football. He's good, but more importantly, he just loves it. His Dad has coached his team for 9 seasons, since they were 4 years old. Ben is 8 going on 29. He is sensitive beyond words, he reacts to things like I do: with lots of emotion, logic, fits and tears, or laughter and joy. He says he is a "mommy's boy" but in a good way, not a weird clingy way. He loves to be home and be with me. No summer camps for B, just mommy time is all he wants. Can't say that I blame him, we are so busy all school year, summer is our time off. It's good to just relax, have fun, and be together! My Valentine's Baby (born February 15th) is so so loved!!

AB

How obvious is it that she just made a basket? Classic expression on her face, I love it! Annabelle took us all by surprise when she scored 14 of 20 points in her first Kindergarten Basketball game. Dad was proud beyond words, I was so happy for her. She was beside herself with excitement, wanted to tell everyone! She is amazing in so many ways, always the life of the party, energetic, kind, she really gets people and situations in a way that most 6 years old kids do not. I am a lucky mom to have AB in my life!

Ladybugs and Bees, WHY?

I would love to publish a book. However, a blog is so much easier with immediate publication, so I thought I would start with this. Ladybugs and Bees, I have a tattoo of a small bee on my back and keep trying to figure out how to add a ladybug to it, nothing too big or obnoxious, just small and tasteful. My son is Ben, we have always called him B, my daughter is Annabelle, we started calling her AB or AnnaB. So, that explains the Bees in my life. Ladybug is a little more complicated, but no less important to me. My youngest sister, Joanna (yes, partly a namesake for my daughter) was 17 years younger than me. A couple of years before she was born, I spent a summer in Portugal and fell in love with a small yummy chocolate covered cookie, called a Joaninha, looked into it and found out that Joaninha was ladybug in Portuguese. Joanna was born in 1989, the same year I graduated from high school. She was a surprise (not planned). We had another surprise 2 years earlier when my other sister was born. Same parents, must not have heard of birth control. My brother and I were more shocked than they were, try explaining that to your high school friends: twice! You think naming a baby is difficult, imagine what it is like when you have 4 family members with equal voting rights. So "the baby" was 2 or 3 days old when we finally agreed on a name: Joanna Elaine. Joanna my idea, Elaine my brother's, all of us loved it immediately. We began filling Joanna's room and life with ladybugs. She never really told us she liked them, she was autistic. The last 4 years of her life she could not even communicate at all, before that it was very fragmented. I always dreamed that she would one day have a miraculous recovery, wake up and pronounce "What is it with you people and ladybugs?" But she never did, no miracle, no recovery, and no proclamation about ladybugs. When she was 17, she left us, went to heaven. She left for us a rather ridiculous ladybug collection that we all cherish, it's amazing how many things you come across with ladybugs. Most of my closest friends think of me whenever they see a ladybug. All the girls in my family have ladybug charms that we wear on a leather necklace, I bought them the day before Joanna's funeral. My mom is probably the most religious person I know, not the tattoo type at all (stereotypically speaking), neither am I for that matter. However, where no one would ever see it, she does have a small ladybug tattoo, much like my small bee. So, ladybugs and bees, seemingly meaningless insects to most people, but both full of meaning for me.
So, there. That is my first blog (hopefully of many more to come). I hope someone reads my blog and finds something wrapped up in my random thoughts: the questions that keep me up at night, the mundane daily events that make my mind swim, the raw emotion exposed way too often: LIFE!